Barely awake

So I'm barely here today, it's about 10am on Monday of the longest 3 days ever (36 hours of work in 3 days is going to make me want to set off a bomb in the middle of Price Chopper, and watch it fall).

I got NO sleep last night, woke up late, have no clean pants for work and really am looking forward to my 4 days off, even if I need more like a month to recuperate from the constant grind. Working 2 jobs kind of sucks when you still feel broke 9 out of 10 times.

This weekend was a good time, hung out with a lot of people, didn't see a ton of the inside of the apartment, and even got my Mage to 65 (3 levels til Northrend!).

The issue going forward is still making myself a happier person, showing a lack of fear that kind of controls things for me. I was watching "The Pickup Artist", a reality-ish show from VH1 about a group of not-so-successful guys and their training by the worlds leading "pickup artist". They had their first elimination of this small timid asian man who volunteered to let himself be taken off of the show. WTF? It's like playing in the world series and not giving it your all, who lets fear of clubs and women lead their lives in such disturbing directions? Oh, right... I do.

Fear is supposed to be a great motivator for mankind, but in so many ways, the fear of social response and reprecussion is much more of an inhibitor than a motivational tool. I can look back at my own change over the past 10 years (16-26) and see how I went from a carefree, give a fuck attitude to where I am today, constantly worried about stepping on toes and making people dislike me. There has to a fine line between the two where I should end up. I've grown up into a conflict averse, overly accomodating push over. The question becomes, how do I regain the edge I used to have without going overboard and becoming a total douche.

This idea of letting go of the fear that has run my life for the greater part of the last 5 years might be the key for that long searched for self-esteem I've been looking for. For example, why do I dislike going out so much? Well I don't like being rejected, mocked or outcasted. Why the fuck would I care what 90% of the people in this world think of me? Outside of some small internal issues, I think I'm a really great person to be around, sure I could use some broadening of my social and hobby-related horizons, but overall, I'm honest, trustworthy, caring, loyal and intelligent.

Bottom line, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, get my shit together and out of the cycle of self loathing and laziness I've been perpetuating and reach out and become the person I've wanted to be for the past 5 years. I have way too much potential to let myself convince myself that I'm not really worth the effort. Of course I am, I'm only 26, and even though the last 8 years have kind of been a bust, who's to say the next 8 can't be the best years of my life, and I can't accomplish that picture of life I have in my head.

Good news, all this writing has woke me up a little bit. Time to face the rest of this obscenely long day.

Vision Restored! (and other assorted useless information)

Hello my... Wait a second, something's not right...

Ah, that's more like it. Welcome my adoring fans!

I got my glasses back, so the world is nice and crisply sharp again, which is much appreciated after three days of walking into things like I were Stevie Wonder.

Quick note, I've been reading an awesome web comic. It might be only for the guys, but it's pretty slick, and the art work on the most recent of them is quite good. www.leasticoulddo.com Start from the beginning, trust me on this one.

Anyway, last night I was hanging out with my friend Brenda, and it got me to thinking. I don't really know what I like on a grand scale anymore, or what about me makes me interesting and fun and all of that happy horseshit.

I feel like making a list of things I KNOW I like to do.

Live sports
Live music
Videogames
Music
Playing sports
Talking
Sex
Listening to good music
Reading

Yea, that's about what I can think of at this moment. Here's the issue, I'd like to find some things that might me more in line with helping me branch out and meet some new people. I'd usually say a woman in this area, but I'm not even 100% certain I'd be good to a girl right now, I kind of don't really know exactly what I'm looking for out of life anymore.

Issue #2 comes to mind now. I want a career, I'm sick of working 9-5 ass jobs being bored and miserable doing what I do every day.

I remember going to Universal Studios when I was 13 or 14 with my family. We had a great time and all, but I specifically remember two guys. One dude was a guard wearing what was comparable to a Canadian Mountie uniform with a huge smile on his face, apparently loving life. The other was our "tour guide" for Jaws. Man, that guy really got into it, yelling and jumping around, and acting his ass off like that crappy looking animatronic shark was really Jaws.

Common thread, those two guys seemed to LOVE their jobs. I get that, I'd like to find a place where I can be really happy waking up everyday and going to work. I'm seriously considering going back to school, finishing up a degree in journalism and trying to get myself into the sports community. I mean, whether writing, or being your play by play guy for the local AA baseball team or coaching, I truly believe my calling in life is in the field of athletics some how.

Another topic while I'm feeling scatter brained. Why is it that I wrap up (and have for a long time) all of my thoughts and self worth in women? I mean, I love women, don't get me wrong. I like having women friends, I love being with a good girl, but I have so many issues finding women that are A) the kind of girl that I fall for (it's rarer than you think) and B) is just as into me as I'm into her. My question isn't why can't I have better luck or why can't I pick up a good woman, but rather, what the heck is the point of wrapping myself up in things I A) can't control and B) shouldn't let bother me in the first place. I suppose that will be my new years resolution this year that I can start on now in the end of November (is it almost Christmas already?!?!). That and quitting smoking, yea I'm pretty tired of being a smoker, but damn this addiction.

More when I have more to talk about. As always feel free to leave me comments and all sorts of fun things.

PMack

Visionless

So it really sucks not having my glasses. The entire day has felt very foggy to me. I've got about 2 hours left here, then it's off to job #2. I really hope my glasses are done tomorrow, even though I think I'd still have to wait until Thursday to pick up my paycheck and then my glasses.

I guess I should make this a little clearer, I've been in a fog for more than just today.

Sometimes it seems a little surreal that I'm living up here in NH. I feel very isolated, and I don't think it has a ton to do with the weather, even though being bitter cold 4 out of every 5 days certainly saps the life out of me. Ever since I finished a large majority of my projects, I've been very bored and it seems like I spend more time at work then anywhere else.

I miss being home with my family and friends...

Boredom

You know I'm bored when I'm trolling the WoW forums...

I've been playing way too much WoW, I currently have a 70 Orc Warrior, a 62 Human Mage, a 58 Dwarf Death Knight, and random assorted 20-30's... Way too much time playing that game.

I generally just play WoW or my guitar (or both) when I come home from work now, it really makes me miss NY and my TKD nights, hanging out with my brothers and Jimmy. I've really gotta figure something out to do up here while I figure out where I'm going in the next year to improve my happiness and situations.

I'm still strongly considering moving to NC, going to one of the many universities in the Charlotte area, and living with my buddy Ernie, close enough to visit my Uncle Joe and Aunt Liz, that would be some fun. Oh and don't forget about southern belles, I could use me a nice well mannered southern sweetheart right about now, just please have all your teeth! Haha!

First Official Post!

Well here is officially is, post #1.

Here's the issue and why I decided to blog in the first place. I feel as though I don't have enough interesting things to talk about in day to day living. I'd like to be able to carry on flowing long interesting conversations, but my daily life is work work work, and occasionally play some World of Warcraft. Yes, I'm one of those dorks!

Now, I can talk for days on things like baseball (Manny, don't leave us!), football (WTF Rams?!?!), music (Who's up for Dave this summer with me?) and different games (Anyone else playing WotLK?). That doesn't strike me as the most exciting set of things to talk about. I suppose I could research world events and politics, but let's be honest, that bores the shit out of me.

It's really not a huge deal come to think of it. There are many people in the world who like the same things I do.

I guess it's coming down to me being bored as sin right now, I wanted to stay in bed so badly and sleep a couple more hours, but nooooo I have to come work at my job that has nothing for me to do right now, and then work at Price Chopper tonight, which is.... exciting (or not).

Well I work tonight and tomorrow, I'll probably be a little revved up after those night, especially if my glasses aren't done soon, this not seeing thing is for the birds.

It's about smoke time for me. Until later.

PM

Initialize.... Now!

Good morning folks!

I just thought about creating one of these for the general masses and to uncork some of the pressure behind my eyes.

I've tried to blog before, usually it's just a myspace rant about how much I hate women or how people treat each other. Needless to say, usually from a darker place than I am in right now. It certainly paints a picture, what that picture is of? I have yet to find out.

On to the beginning of a new page. Every story needs a start, and now is as good a time as any to get something written down from this swarm of thoughts running circles inside my consciousness. So here we go, today, November 18th will be the start of me blogging just to write what's been going on in my life , and the world around me.