Well I'm back in NH after having my car break down. Last night was the company holiday party that I had to do all the planning for. Fortunately it went off without a hitch, I don't know if I could have handled it otherwise.
My car thing made me think of how reactive I am to everything and how I should be more proactive in life. Go out and do as opposed to thinking good things are just going to happen to me. I'd like to be the go-getter. Right now I just don't know if I'm capable.
Yep, if you know me, it's that time of year, I'm getting depressed as hell. Last night, I was hanging out with my co-workers and realized that I was the ONLY single person in a group of 8. The only one? Are you fucking kidding me? It's kind of hard for me too. I apparently made people think I was less than wonderful by dating Brenda a couple months ago, because she was only 18. I cracked that there wasn't much option, but even being told that kind of stung. It's not like I haven't been looking, although the probability that the looking has been in the right places is pretty slim, it's not like my work work work schedule has me meeting too many 21+ year old single women without children. So yea, it's a bummer, I work too much, have no fun and my social life is basically nothing outside of the occasional hang out with some of my co-workers. 9 out of 10 nights I just go to the apartment and sit around with my anti-social roommate playing Warcraft and wondering how long it's gotta be until I can move back to NY, or to NC or anywhere but here.
I don't want your pity. If you're a really attractive, single, childless and over 21 year old woman, I wouldn't mind a date or two however. Haha.
I'm out.
18 December 2008
11 December 2008
Random Thoughts and Sadness
Good morning all,
I just felt like rambling about some of the occurrences of the last couple days, so don't mind me, I'm just venting.
Today we're getting hit with our first noreaster! Ick, I hate snow, especially when piled up past a foot (supposedly 17" here by tomorrow evening... when I'm driving back to NY, lucky me!) especially since it's so damned cold!
I'm feeling really burnt out and tired all the time lately, and I'm not really sure why. Part of it I assume is my malnourishment that I've been propagating on myself. I'm also sure part of it is my now basically defunct social life, which has led me to be quite sad many of the waking hours. I know it's not sleep, because I slept my full 8 last night, and still feel pretty beat today, wicked awesome! I checked my facebook, and on of the stupid programs decided to update me on how unpopular I am with my own friends. I'm also 0 for 17 in the stupid "Would you date me?" program. That's not what the ego needed right about now.
It makes me even more excited for A) this weekend and B) July when I can leave this town and move some where that I may have my friends or be able to make some new ones. I really just feel like I don't fit up here, it's cold and I'm more and more averse to the "North Eastern Attitude" towards life. I'm a friendly outgoing person when I'm not constantly being looked at like I have 17 heads by people.
I still need to figure out how to make a more positive happy me happen. That's becoming more apparant each day. I am still a little lost on how to make this happen. I've been tempted to go the hit the clubs and bars and hit on all kinds of women route, but it's really my family and friends I miss most. I suppose I just need to gut it out, and try to learn how to keep my emotions in better check, which should help me in the long run.
Anyway, I'm at work and should probably be more productive, until next time.
I just felt like rambling about some of the occurrences of the last couple days, so don't mind me, I'm just venting.
Today we're getting hit with our first noreaster! Ick, I hate snow, especially when piled up past a foot (supposedly 17" here by tomorrow evening... when I'm driving back to NY, lucky me!) especially since it's so damned cold!
I'm feeling really burnt out and tired all the time lately, and I'm not really sure why. Part of it I assume is my malnourishment that I've been propagating on myself. I'm also sure part of it is my now basically defunct social life, which has led me to be quite sad many of the waking hours. I know it's not sleep, because I slept my full 8 last night, and still feel pretty beat today, wicked awesome! I checked my facebook, and on of the stupid programs decided to update me on how unpopular I am with my own friends. I'm also 0 for 17 in the stupid "Would you date me?" program. That's not what the ego needed right about now.
It makes me even more excited for A) this weekend and B) July when I can leave this town and move some where that I may have my friends or be able to make some new ones. I really just feel like I don't fit up here, it's cold and I'm more and more averse to the "North Eastern Attitude" towards life. I'm a friendly outgoing person when I'm not constantly being looked at like I have 17 heads by people.
I still need to figure out how to make a more positive happy me happen. That's becoming more apparant each day. I am still a little lost on how to make this happen. I've been tempted to go the hit the clubs and bars and hit on all kinds of women route, but it's really my family and friends I miss most. I suppose I just need to gut it out, and try to learn how to keep my emotions in better check, which should help me in the long run.
Anyway, I'm at work and should probably be more productive, until next time.
04 December 2008
Exhaustion and a Lack of Motivation
Here I am, sitting at my desk once again pondering what the hell it is I'm doing with my life.
I've been making small steps to improve my self image and esteem, trying to get out more, saying yes to things to do that might not be exactly what I'm thinking of doing that given day. I've lost weight, I eat less and I'm going to start working out again soon, since I don't have my kicking to keep me occupied most nights.
I've felt really slow lately, both mentally and physically. It's getting to be that time of the year when I get a bit depressed and underwhelmed with life in general. I've been trying to read things that might help me combat this "winter blues". I've read many things that say altering my diet and getting exercise will help the process of me feeling better in my day to day life, but as of yet I haven't seen any results as far as the eating things rolls.
I'm starting to feel like a broken record. I need to set me some goals and make some progress towards said goals. A career, college and a hopefully successful life are ahead of me, I have all the potential in the world to make these things happen, but I need to MAKE them happen, not just hope that life happens itself upon me.
This leads back to a serious lack of motivation and drive in life. There are things I've done to try to help, and there is more I can do, but how do you counter a prevalent lack of motivation and drive to succeed in ones life? Am I just afraid that something good might happen to me? Am I too afraid to let myself have a good time. I know this fear has plagued my interactions with the fairer sex for a long time, but have they also lead me to be less risk taking as a general rule? I hope not, I don't think I'm afraid of my own future, but I'm hoping I can break out of whatever weird slump/funk I've been in lately and walk tall and get my life going in the right direction.
PM Out.
I've been making small steps to improve my self image and esteem, trying to get out more, saying yes to things to do that might not be exactly what I'm thinking of doing that given day. I've lost weight, I eat less and I'm going to start working out again soon, since I don't have my kicking to keep me occupied most nights.
I've felt really slow lately, both mentally and physically. It's getting to be that time of the year when I get a bit depressed and underwhelmed with life in general. I've been trying to read things that might help me combat this "winter blues". I've read many things that say altering my diet and getting exercise will help the process of me feeling better in my day to day life, but as of yet I haven't seen any results as far as the eating things rolls.
I'm starting to feel like a broken record. I need to set me some goals and make some progress towards said goals. A career, college and a hopefully successful life are ahead of me, I have all the potential in the world to make these things happen, but I need to MAKE them happen, not just hope that life happens itself upon me.
This leads back to a serious lack of motivation and drive in life. There are things I've done to try to help, and there is more I can do, but how do you counter a prevalent lack of motivation and drive to succeed in ones life? Am I just afraid that something good might happen to me? Am I too afraid to let myself have a good time. I know this fear has plagued my interactions with the fairer sex for a long time, but have they also lead me to be less risk taking as a general rule? I hope not, I don't think I'm afraid of my own future, but I'm hoping I can break out of whatever weird slump/funk I've been in lately and walk tall and get my life going in the right direction.
PM Out.
01 December 2008
Exhausted
Good afternoon people,
I'm so beat. I'm tired and achy and want a nap badly.
I was home for the holiday (Happy Thanksgiving to the none of you reading), which was excellent, I got to hang out with friends, spend time with my family, eat good food and relax. I feel like it was important, because it helps keep me centered and realize that despite everything up here being sub-par, I still have a great social circle back in the 518.
I think my next move is to go into total self appreciation/improvement mode. I have some ideas on styles, and skills I need to develop, and while I have these 8 months in bums fuck, I can use them as a trial run for a new and more exciting me. The me I hope to be! (Yay! Dr. Seuss rhyming)
Either way, I'm a big foggy right now, I'll write more when I have a clearer head.
I'm so beat. I'm tired and achy and want a nap badly.
I was home for the holiday (Happy Thanksgiving to the none of you reading), which was excellent, I got to hang out with friends, spend time with my family, eat good food and relax. I feel like it was important, because it helps keep me centered and realize that despite everything up here being sub-par, I still have a great social circle back in the 518.
I think my next move is to go into total self appreciation/improvement mode. I have some ideas on styles, and skills I need to develop, and while I have these 8 months in bums fuck, I can use them as a trial run for a new and more exciting me. The me I hope to be! (Yay! Dr. Seuss rhyming)
Either way, I'm a big foggy right now, I'll write more when I have a clearer head.
24 November 2008
Barely awake
So I'm barely here today, it's about 10am on Monday of the longest 3 days ever (36 hours of work in 3 days is going to make me want to set off a bomb in the middle of Price Chopper, and watch it fall).
I got NO sleep last night, woke up late, have no clean pants for work and really am looking forward to my 4 days off, even if I need more like a month to recuperate from the constant grind. Working 2 jobs kind of sucks when you still feel broke 9 out of 10 times.
This weekend was a good time, hung out with a lot of people, didn't see a ton of the inside of the apartment, and even got my Mage to 65 (3 levels til Northrend!).
The issue going forward is still making myself a happier person, showing a lack of fear that kind of controls things for me. I was watching "The Pickup Artist", a reality-ish show from VH1 about a group of not-so-successful guys and their training by the worlds leading "pickup artist". They had their first elimination of this small timid asian man who volunteered to let himself be taken off of the show. WTF? It's like playing in the world series and not giving it your all, who lets fear of clubs and women lead their lives in such disturbing directions? Oh, right... I do.
Fear is supposed to be a great motivator for mankind, but in so many ways, the fear of social response and reprecussion is much more of an inhibitor than a motivational tool. I can look back at my own change over the past 10 years (16-26) and see how I went from a carefree, give a fuck attitude to where I am today, constantly worried about stepping on toes and making people dislike me. There has to a fine line between the two where I should end up. I've grown up into a conflict averse, overly accomodating push over. The question becomes, how do I regain the edge I used to have without going overboard and becoming a total douche.
This idea of letting go of the fear that has run my life for the greater part of the last 5 years might be the key for that long searched for self-esteem I've been looking for. For example, why do I dislike going out so much? Well I don't like being rejected, mocked or outcasted. Why the fuck would I care what 90% of the people in this world think of me? Outside of some small internal issues, I think I'm a really great person to be around, sure I could use some broadening of my social and hobby-related horizons, but overall, I'm honest, trustworthy, caring, loyal and intelligent.
Bottom line, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, get my shit together and out of the cycle of self loathing and laziness I've been perpetuating and reach out and become the person I've wanted to be for the past 5 years. I have way too much potential to let myself convince myself that I'm not really worth the effort. Of course I am, I'm only 26, and even though the last 8 years have kind of been a bust, who's to say the next 8 can't be the best years of my life, and I can't accomplish that picture of life I have in my head.
Good news, all this writing has woke me up a little bit. Time to face the rest of this obscenely long day.
I got NO sleep last night, woke up late, have no clean pants for work and really am looking forward to my 4 days off, even if I need more like a month to recuperate from the constant grind. Working 2 jobs kind of sucks when you still feel broke 9 out of 10 times.
This weekend was a good time, hung out with a lot of people, didn't see a ton of the inside of the apartment, and even got my Mage to 65 (3 levels til Northrend!).
The issue going forward is still making myself a happier person, showing a lack of fear that kind of controls things for me. I was watching "The Pickup Artist", a reality-ish show from VH1 about a group of not-so-successful guys and their training by the worlds leading "pickup artist". They had their first elimination of this small timid asian man who volunteered to let himself be taken off of the show. WTF? It's like playing in the world series and not giving it your all, who lets fear of clubs and women lead their lives in such disturbing directions? Oh, right... I do.
Fear is supposed to be a great motivator for mankind, but in so many ways, the fear of social response and reprecussion is much more of an inhibitor than a motivational tool. I can look back at my own change over the past 10 years (16-26) and see how I went from a carefree, give a fuck attitude to where I am today, constantly worried about stepping on toes and making people dislike me. There has to a fine line between the two where I should end up. I've grown up into a conflict averse, overly accomodating push over. The question becomes, how do I regain the edge I used to have without going overboard and becoming a total douche.
This idea of letting go of the fear that has run my life for the greater part of the last 5 years might be the key for that long searched for self-esteem I've been looking for. For example, why do I dislike going out so much? Well I don't like being rejected, mocked or outcasted. Why the fuck would I care what 90% of the people in this world think of me? Outside of some small internal issues, I think I'm a really great person to be around, sure I could use some broadening of my social and hobby-related horizons, but overall, I'm honest, trustworthy, caring, loyal and intelligent.
Bottom line, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, get my shit together and out of the cycle of self loathing and laziness I've been perpetuating and reach out and become the person I've wanted to be for the past 5 years. I have way too much potential to let myself convince myself that I'm not really worth the effort. Of course I am, I'm only 26, and even though the last 8 years have kind of been a bust, who's to say the next 8 can't be the best years of my life, and I can't accomplish that picture of life I have in my head.
Good news, all this writing has woke me up a little bit. Time to face the rest of this obscenely long day.
21 November 2008
Vision Restored! (and other assorted useless information)
Hello my... Wait a second, something's not right...
Ah, that's more like it. Welcome my adoring fans!
I got my glasses back, so the world is nice and crisply sharp again, which is much appreciated after three days of walking into things like I were Stevie Wonder.
Quick note, I've been reading an awesome web comic. It might be only for the guys, but it's pretty slick, and the art work on the most recent of them is quite good. www.leasticoulddo.com Start from the beginning, trust me on this one.
Anyway, last night I was hanging out with my friend Brenda, and it got me to thinking. I don't really know what I like on a grand scale anymore, or what about me makes me interesting and fun and all of that happy horseshit.
I feel like making a list of things I KNOW I like to do.
Live sports
Live music
Videogames
Music
Playing sports
Talking
Sex
Listening to good music
Reading
Yea, that's about what I can think of at this moment. Here's the issue, I'd like to find some things that might me more in line with helping me branch out and meet some new people. I'd usually say a woman in this area, but I'm not even 100% certain I'd be good to a girl right now, I kind of don't really know exactly what I'm looking for out of life anymore.
Issue #2 comes to mind now. I want a career, I'm sick of working 9-5 ass jobs being bored and miserable doing what I do every day.
I remember going to Universal Studios when I was 13 or 14 with my family. We had a great time and all, but I specifically remember two guys. One dude was a guard wearing what was comparable to a Canadian Mountie uniform with a huge smile on his face, apparently loving life. The other was our "tour guide" for Jaws. Man, that guy really got into it, yelling and jumping around, and acting his ass off like that crappy looking animatronic shark was really Jaws.
Common thread, those two guys seemed to LOVE their jobs. I get that, I'd like to find a place where I can be really happy waking up everyday and going to work. I'm seriously considering going back to school, finishing up a degree in journalism and trying to get myself into the sports community. I mean, whether writing, or being your play by play guy for the local AA baseball team or coaching, I truly believe my calling in life is in the field of athletics some how.
Another topic while I'm feeling scatter brained. Why is it that I wrap up (and have for a long time) all of my thoughts and self worth in women? I mean, I love women, don't get me wrong. I like having women friends, I love being with a good girl, but I have so many issues finding women that are A) the kind of girl that I fall for (it's rarer than you think) and B) is just as into me as I'm into her. My question isn't why can't I have better luck or why can't I pick up a good woman, but rather, what the heck is the point of wrapping myself up in things I A) can't control and B) shouldn't let bother me in the first place. I suppose that will be my new years resolution this year that I can start on now in the end of November (is it almost Christmas already?!?!). That and quitting smoking, yea I'm pretty tired of being a smoker, but damn this addiction.
More when I have more to talk about. As always feel free to leave me comments and all sorts of fun things.
PMack
Ah, that's more like it. Welcome my adoring fans!
I got my glasses back, so the world is nice and crisply sharp again, which is much appreciated after three days of walking into things like I were Stevie Wonder.
Quick note, I've been reading an awesome web comic. It might be only for the guys, but it's pretty slick, and the art work on the most recent of them is quite good. www.leasticoulddo.com Start from the beginning, trust me on this one.
Anyway, last night I was hanging out with my friend Brenda, and it got me to thinking. I don't really know what I like on a grand scale anymore, or what about me makes me interesting and fun and all of that happy horseshit.
I feel like making a list of things I KNOW I like to do.
Live sports
Live music
Videogames
Music
Playing sports
Talking
Sex
Listening to good music
Reading
Yea, that's about what I can think of at this moment. Here's the issue, I'd like to find some things that might me more in line with helping me branch out and meet some new people. I'd usually say a woman in this area, but I'm not even 100% certain I'd be good to a girl right now, I kind of don't really know exactly what I'm looking for out of life anymore.
Issue #2 comes to mind now. I want a career, I'm sick of working 9-5 ass jobs being bored and miserable doing what I do every day.
I remember going to Universal Studios when I was 13 or 14 with my family. We had a great time and all, but I specifically remember two guys. One dude was a guard wearing what was comparable to a Canadian Mountie uniform with a huge smile on his face, apparently loving life. The other was our "tour guide" for Jaws. Man, that guy really got into it, yelling and jumping around, and acting his ass off like that crappy looking animatronic shark was really Jaws.
Common thread, those two guys seemed to LOVE their jobs. I get that, I'd like to find a place where I can be really happy waking up everyday and going to work. I'm seriously considering going back to school, finishing up a degree in journalism and trying to get myself into the sports community. I mean, whether writing, or being your play by play guy for the local AA baseball team or coaching, I truly believe my calling in life is in the field of athletics some how.
Another topic while I'm feeling scatter brained. Why is it that I wrap up (and have for a long time) all of my thoughts and self worth in women? I mean, I love women, don't get me wrong. I like having women friends, I love being with a good girl, but I have so many issues finding women that are A) the kind of girl that I fall for (it's rarer than you think) and B) is just as into me as I'm into her. My question isn't why can't I have better luck or why can't I pick up a good woman, but rather, what the heck is the point of wrapping myself up in things I A) can't control and B) shouldn't let bother me in the first place. I suppose that will be my new years resolution this year that I can start on now in the end of November (is it almost Christmas already?!?!). That and quitting smoking, yea I'm pretty tired of being a smoker, but damn this addiction.
More when I have more to talk about. As always feel free to leave me comments and all sorts of fun things.
PMack
18 November 2008
Visionless
So it really sucks not having my glasses. The entire day has felt very foggy to me. I've got about 2 hours left here, then it's off to job #2. I really hope my glasses are done tomorrow, even though I think I'd still have to wait until Thursday to pick up my paycheck and then my glasses.
I guess I should make this a little clearer, I've been in a fog for more than just today.
Sometimes it seems a little surreal that I'm living up here in NH. I feel very isolated, and I don't think it has a ton to do with the weather, even though being bitter cold 4 out of every 5 days certainly saps the life out of me. Ever since I finished a large majority of my projects, I've been very bored and it seems like I spend more time at work then anywhere else.
I miss being home with my family and friends...
I guess I should make this a little clearer, I've been in a fog for more than just today.
Sometimes it seems a little surreal that I'm living up here in NH. I feel very isolated, and I don't think it has a ton to do with the weather, even though being bitter cold 4 out of every 5 days certainly saps the life out of me. Ever since I finished a large majority of my projects, I've been very bored and it seems like I spend more time at work then anywhere else.
I miss being home with my family and friends...
Boredom
You know I'm bored when I'm trolling the WoW forums...
I've been playing way too much WoW, I currently have a 70 Orc Warrior, a 62 Human Mage, a 58 Dwarf Death Knight, and random assorted 20-30's... Way too much time playing that game.
I generally just play WoW or my guitar (or both) when I come home from work now, it really makes me miss NY and my TKD nights, hanging out with my brothers and Jimmy. I've really gotta figure something out to do up here while I figure out where I'm going in the next year to improve my happiness and situations.
I'm still strongly considering moving to NC, going to one of the many universities in the Charlotte area, and living with my buddy Ernie, close enough to visit my Uncle Joe and Aunt Liz, that would be some fun. Oh and don't forget about southern belles, I could use me a nice well mannered southern sweetheart right about now, just please have all your teeth! Haha!
I've been playing way too much WoW, I currently have a 70 Orc Warrior, a 62 Human Mage, a 58 Dwarf Death Knight, and random assorted 20-30's... Way too much time playing that game.
I generally just play WoW or my guitar (or both) when I come home from work now, it really makes me miss NY and my TKD nights, hanging out with my brothers and Jimmy. I've really gotta figure something out to do up here while I figure out where I'm going in the next year to improve my happiness and situations.
I'm still strongly considering moving to NC, going to one of the many universities in the Charlotte area, and living with my buddy Ernie, close enough to visit my Uncle Joe and Aunt Liz, that would be some fun. Oh and don't forget about southern belles, I could use me a nice well mannered southern sweetheart right about now, just please have all your teeth! Haha!
First Official Post!
Well here is officially is, post #1.
Here's the issue and why I decided to blog in the first place. I feel as though I don't have enough interesting things to talk about in day to day living. I'd like to be able to carry on flowing long interesting conversations, but my daily life is work work work, and occasionally play some World of Warcraft. Yes, I'm one of those dorks!
Now, I can talk for days on things like baseball (Manny, don't leave us!), football (WTF Rams?!?!), music (Who's up for Dave this summer with me?) and different games (Anyone else playing WotLK?). That doesn't strike me as the most exciting set of things to talk about. I suppose I could research world events and politics, but let's be honest, that bores the shit out of me.
It's really not a huge deal come to think of it. There are many people in the world who like the same things I do.
I guess it's coming down to me being bored as sin right now, I wanted to stay in bed so badly and sleep a couple more hours, but nooooo I have to come work at my job that has nothing for me to do right now, and then work at Price Chopper tonight, which is.... exciting (or not).
Well I work tonight and tomorrow, I'll probably be a little revved up after those night, especially if my glasses aren't done soon, this not seeing thing is for the birds.
It's about smoke time for me. Until later.
PM
Here's the issue and why I decided to blog in the first place. I feel as though I don't have enough interesting things to talk about in day to day living. I'd like to be able to carry on flowing long interesting conversations, but my daily life is work work work, and occasionally play some World of Warcraft. Yes, I'm one of those dorks!
Now, I can talk for days on things like baseball (Manny, don't leave us!), football (WTF Rams?!?!), music (Who's up for Dave this summer with me?) and different games (Anyone else playing WotLK?). That doesn't strike me as the most exciting set of things to talk about. I suppose I could research world events and politics, but let's be honest, that bores the shit out of me.
It's really not a huge deal come to think of it. There are many people in the world who like the same things I do.
I guess it's coming down to me being bored as sin right now, I wanted to stay in bed so badly and sleep a couple more hours, but nooooo I have to come work at my job that has nothing for me to do right now, and then work at Price Chopper tonight, which is.... exciting (or not).
Well I work tonight and tomorrow, I'll probably be a little revved up after those night, especially if my glasses aren't done soon, this not seeing thing is for the birds.
It's about smoke time for me. Until later.
PM
Initialize.... Now!
Good morning folks!
I just thought about creating one of these for the general masses and to uncork some of the pressure behind my eyes.
I've tried to blog before, usually it's just a myspace rant about how much I hate women or how people treat each other. Needless to say, usually from a darker place than I am in right now. It certainly paints a picture, what that picture is of? I have yet to find out.
On to the beginning of a new page. Every story needs a start, and now is as good a time as any to get something written down from this swarm of thoughts running circles inside my consciousness. So here we go, today, November 18th will be the start of me blogging just to write what's been going on in my life , and the world around me.
I just thought about creating one of these for the general masses and to uncork some of the pressure behind my eyes.
I've tried to blog before, usually it's just a myspace rant about how much I hate women or how people treat each other. Needless to say, usually from a darker place than I am in right now. It certainly paints a picture, what that picture is of? I have yet to find out.
On to the beginning of a new page. Every story needs a start, and now is as good a time as any to get something written down from this swarm of thoughts running circles inside my consciousness. So here we go, today, November 18th will be the start of me blogging just to write what's been going on in my life , and the world around me.
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