Week from hell...

Well I'm back in NH after having my car break down. Last night was the company holiday party that I had to do all the planning for. Fortunately it went off without a hitch, I don't know if I could have handled it otherwise.

My car thing made me think of how reactive I am to everything and how I should be more proactive in life. Go out and do as opposed to thinking good things are just going to happen to me. I'd like to be the go-getter. Right now I just don't know if I'm capable.

Yep, if you know me, it's that time of year, I'm getting depressed as hell. Last night, I was hanging out with my co-workers and realized that I was the ONLY single person in a group of 8. The only one? Are you fucking kidding me? It's kind of hard for me too. I apparently made people think I was less than wonderful by dating Brenda a couple months ago, because she was only 18. I cracked that there wasn't much option, but even being told that kind of stung. It's not like I haven't been looking, although the probability that the looking has been in the right places is pretty slim, it's not like my work work work schedule has me meeting too many 21+ year old single women without children. So yea, it's a bummer, I work too much, have no fun and my social life is basically nothing outside of the occasional hang out with some of my co-workers. 9 out of 10 nights I just go to the apartment and sit around with my anti-social roommate playing Warcraft and wondering how long it's gotta be until I can move back to NY, or to NC or anywhere but here.

I don't want your pity. If you're a really attractive, single, childless and over 21 year old woman, I wouldn't mind a date or two however. Haha.

I'm out.

Random Thoughts and Sadness

Good morning all,

I just felt like rambling about some of the occurrences of the last couple days, so don't mind me, I'm just venting.

Today we're getting hit with our first noreaster! Ick, I hate snow, especially when piled up past a foot (supposedly 17" here by tomorrow evening... when I'm driving back to NY, lucky me!) especially since it's so damned cold!

I'm feeling really burnt out and tired all the time lately, and I'm not really sure why. Part of it I assume is my malnourishment that I've been propagating on myself. I'm also sure part of it is my now basically defunct social life, which has led me to be quite sad many of the waking hours. I know it's not sleep, because I slept my full 8 last night, and still feel pretty beat today, wicked awesome! I checked my facebook, and on of the stupid programs decided to update me on how unpopular I am with my own friends. I'm also 0 for 17 in the stupid "Would you date me?" program. That's not what the ego needed right about now.

It makes me even more excited for A) this weekend and B) July when I can leave this town and move some where that I may have my friends or be able to make some new ones. I really just feel like I don't fit up here, it's cold and I'm more and more averse to the "North Eastern Attitude" towards life. I'm a friendly outgoing person when I'm not constantly being looked at like I have 17 heads by people.

I still need to figure out how to make a more positive happy me happen. That's becoming more apparant each day. I am still a little lost on how to make this happen. I've been tempted to go the hit the clubs and bars and hit on all kinds of women route, but it's really my family and friends I miss most. I suppose I just need to gut it out, and try to learn how to keep my emotions in better check, which should help me in the long run.

Anyway, I'm at work and should probably be more productive, until next time.

Exhaustion and a Lack of Motivation

Here I am, sitting at my desk once again pondering what the hell it is I'm doing with my life.

I've been making small steps to improve my self image and esteem, trying to get out more, saying yes to things to do that might not be exactly what I'm thinking of doing that given day. I've lost weight, I eat less and I'm going to start working out again soon, since I don't have my kicking to keep me occupied most nights.

I've felt really slow lately, both mentally and physically. It's getting to be that time of the year when I get a bit depressed and underwhelmed with life in general. I've been trying to read things that might help me combat this "winter blues". I've read many things that say altering my diet and getting exercise will help the process of me feeling better in my day to day life, but as of yet I haven't seen any results as far as the eating things rolls.

I'm starting to feel like a broken record. I need to set me some goals and make some progress towards said goals. A career, college and a hopefully successful life are ahead of me, I have all the potential in the world to make these things happen, but I need to MAKE them happen, not just hope that life happens itself upon me.

This leads back to a serious lack of motivation and drive in life. There are things I've done to try to help, and there is more I can do, but how do you counter a prevalent lack of motivation and drive to succeed in ones life? Am I just afraid that something good might happen to me? Am I too afraid to let myself have a good time. I know this fear has plagued my interactions with the fairer sex for a long time, but have they also lead me to be less risk taking as a general rule? I hope not, I don't think I'm afraid of my own future, but I'm hoping I can break out of whatever weird slump/funk I've been in lately and walk tall and get my life going in the right direction.

PM Out.

Exhausted

Good afternoon people,

I'm so beat. I'm tired and achy and want a nap badly.

I was home for the holiday (Happy Thanksgiving to the none of you reading), which was excellent, I got to hang out with friends, spend time with my family, eat good food and relax. I feel like it was important, because it helps keep me centered and realize that despite everything up here being sub-par, I still have a great social circle back in the 518.

I think my next move is to go into total self appreciation/improvement mode. I have some ideas on styles, and skills I need to develop, and while I have these 8 months in bums fuck, I can use them as a trial run for a new and more exciting me. The me I hope to be! (Yay! Dr. Seuss rhyming)

Either way, I'm a big foggy right now, I'll write more when I have a clearer head.