Miserable...

So here I am.

I can't recall ever being this depressed...

It feels like my life is just falling down all around me. I get the impression that I'm not a good guy, and that I'm not living up to any of the standards I've set for myself, accomplishing any goals.

I'm lonely, there's no end to that in site. I can't find any balance in my interactions with women, I'm either "just friends" or way too sexual, which blows it out of the water. I'm sure the wretched debacle that was my first has a lot to do with it. I was fine before that bitch, and since then... I need to just stay way the fuck away from women for a while, even though it's killing me to feel like this. I can't concentrate, I get all worked up over the littlest things. I'm obviously not doing it right, so I need to stop doing anything.

Not like shutting myself off would be a huge change from my life recently. It's been exciting, let me tell you. All I do is work and work and work, and play Warcraft. I have no direction, and I'm sick of setting goals I never accomplish. I wanna go back home worse now than ever. I've spent the last two days just fighting back crying pretty much the whole day. I need help, but I don't know where to turn. I guess I should be glad that my mind isn't working right, because I've definitely thought about ending it lately, just haven't found an easy surefire way of making it happen.

I'm sure that comment will spark off people being like oh you have so much to live for and so much ahead of you. Well fucking save it. If there was so much to look forward to, how come I don't see it? All the things I've ever wanted out of life seem further and further away with each passing day. I've been given enough advice about my life to last me 3 lifetimes. It's not working. It hasn't helped, so fucking just save it.

I think my car is dying too, there's more debt for me, since I'm not even done paying off the dying piece of shit. I work, and work, and work yet I see no end to the sadness. I sit at a desk all day, 3 nights a week I try to keep a bunch of people in line. It's not fun. I'm not having any fun. My life is getting smaller, and less interesting, which in turn is making me less interesting.

Good thing I'm not getting smaller... Oh wait...

Yep, I'm out of shape too. I eat less, I've started taking vitamins, I want to work out, but don't have a place to, and since I don't have enough money... well you get the picture.

Did I mention I have no friends up here. I mean, I have some people I occasionally hang out with, and my roommate who I thought was a friend, but I get the feeling his anti-socialness and laziness is rubbing off on me in a bad way, and not helping me feel any better about living in this shitty cold backwater fucking town.

I don't even know what the point was to writing this. It's probably going to scare the few people who read it. There are some who I know are my true friends. There are some people who will read this and just ignore it. There are some that will read it and try to help, even though they're never there for me otherwise. To that set, go fuck yourself, I don't need your pity or time.

I just want to be happy, why is it so fucking hard?

Happy Frakking New Year!

Happy New Year to all of those who read my rantings.

It was a lot of fun on New Year's Eve... until I decided to go from drunk to shit faced in all of 10 minutes... and spent the rest of the night praying to the porcelain gods.

I spent the weekend back home in the 518, and got to do a lot of thinking about my situations.

I realized that where I am is 100% a result of how little I've done to make my own luck. I'm single because I am not being the man I know deep down I am. I made some resolutions, I hope that I can finally make 2009 (remember my 9 thing) will be the year that my ass gets in gear towards where I want to be in life.

I'll keep the more personal ones to myself, but there are a couple highlights that I've been making small progress towards.

1) Quit Smoking - I've gone down to Ultra Lights, and am down to about 1/2 pack a day again... I hope to be quit by February.

2) Get in Shape - I'm trying, it's hard. I did some pushups and situps the other night, and it hurt. Forgot to last night, but now I need to find a place to actually work out and spend some time not only alone (I need to be comfortable by myself to be truly comfortable around others) but get my body into a good place, I'm smaller due to the changes in my diet (I'm also trying to increase my water intake as opposed to soda) but I'm not there yet, here's hoping I can show the dedication I've never shown before.

3) Get out there- This one may be the most important. I've gone over the last year from being a very social person, to being about as anti-social as I've ever been. I need to get over all my fears and maybe go out to a bar by myself to have fun with random people. Hell, maybe this way I'll finally get on a couple dates, who knows.

4) Stop being needy- Here's my relationship killer. I'm a needy guy, I have low self esteem when it comes to interpersonal relationships, and it comes out with me being desperate and needy. I need to clip that shit, I'm a great guy, I need to stop being so dependant on sex and woman's approval for my esteem. As the great Katt Williams says, it's your SELF esteem, how can I fuck up your esteem for yourself. On point baby.

Outside of that, I hope everyone has a great year, and this is one of the best years on recent record.

Have a good one my faithful clan, post again soon.