Holy shit...

So, I'm home, moved back, working back at PC all that fun stuff.

Went to Dave Matthews this weekend, which was an amazing time with some great friends.

I've also been really really lonely and sad and mopey when I've been around the house.

I think I just had a major epiphany...

I need to stop smoking weed...

I kind of had ideas about this before, but I kind of just had one of those flashes where you see a whole bunch of your past in scenes. Women, sports, intelligence/schooling, work... everything I did was better before I smoked. I was more committed to things, I showed promise, I got cute girlfriends, I kicked ass at sports and I liked myself.

So yea, that all just came to me in a flash and I had to get it down.

So I guess Friday won't be my last ciggarette smoking day, it'll be my last smoking period day I hope.

I may as well give it a shot right?

Feeling weird...

I am gonna be home soon! Woot!!!

There's my requisite excitement for the day.

So, update in the worlds I'm interested in. My LA Dodgers are still racking up impressive wins, and lead the league with a 31-15 mark through today (May 26th, 2009 for those not counting). The best part of this season has been the teams ability to deal with adversity. Even with dumb dumb Manny out, the Dodgers are still getting good performances from the pitching staff and each and every position player, starter or bench player. The big key has been Juan Pierre (taking over for Manny in LF) and his close to .400 average since Manny has been out of the lineup. What makes this team scary is, if they're doing this well without the Man-Ram, how will anyone beat them once he gets his bat back in the lineup?

Now, to address the title. Today I feel off. I don't feel sad, or upset, nothing like that. I suppose I do feel a tinge of loneliness, but not in the same way I usually do. I usually get all "hurr girls hate me hurr" whenever I feel any sort of lonely come along, but today (first time I've cared in a while) I just feel like, now that I'm finally starting to be myself again, and I do know I can get women, where is the one that's supposed to knock me on my ass and impress the shit outta me? Well, maybe not literally, that would be a bit on the disgusting side, but the point remains. I've met a couple of really cool women lately, and it's certainly helped reaffirm what I've been trying to accomplish with feeling better about myself.

There's another reason I can't wait to get back home, besides my family and friends, is starting to work out, and get my black belt in TKD this fall. I can almost see myself, weighing 220 or so and being a brick shithouse. I have plenty of natural athletic ability, I think that if I can get into good shape, not only could I compete and win as a black belt sparrer, but get back on the diamond and play a couple more years of baseball at 27 or so years old.

Anyway, that's the big deal, I hadn't updated in a while and felt like I should at least make an appearance.

Till next time,

P

So tired

Ugh, not sleeping well, waking up tired... Mind not functioning...


I was home this weekend, and it was a good time. Strange ass weekend though. Went out with my brother and a couple buddies, hit up Victory Cafe where I saw my girl Chelsea again, which is always pleasant, she came over as I was ordering and gave me the high five, so that was a nice feeling. After a quick Tanqueray and Tonic, my buddies and I headed over to Legends, where I got bitched at a by some bitch I was nothing but nice to, but the fucked up part of the story comes as we're all leaving.
So it's myself, my younger brother, and the Peltons (Ray Billy and Pezer). Billy and I are walking up the road as my brother comes out of the bar, rubbing the back of his head. "I think someone just fucking punched me in the back of the head" he explains. So he waits, very pissed. Needless to say some typical prettyboy bozo comes out, yelling at my brother (not smart). Billy and I get Jeff walking away and PBB (new nickname for his sorry ass) keeps yapping, calls my brother (and by extension me) fat... so Jeff basically beats his face in (deserved). There's more to the story so ask me in person, it's much more animated, but that's the basic gist of the tale.

Anyway, we left, I was VERY disappointed in myself, not only did the only set I opened happen to both have men there, and be bitches, but I locked up, and didn't open anyone else. I know I can do better than that, I had just got my facial hair looking clean, and a nice haircut to boot, I should have been peeling women off of me by the end of the night. ARGH! Anyway, lesson learned, get over the fear, and conquer.

So, biggest news, 3 weeks left til I get to move back to upstate, can't wait everyone.

Till next time,

PMack

It's Friday, and you ain't got shit to do!

Well it's Friday and I'm heading back to the 518 for another weekend full of shenanigans and hijinks. Planning on going out Saturday night with some of my people and painting the town whatever multitude of colors we decide to paint it, and no, they won't be pink.

Anyway, I'm still pretty irked about this Manny bullshit, although, my boys did put up 9 runs last night, only to have the bullpen blow a 6 run lead, so even without Manny they can hit, but who knew that he had such a profound effect on the staff. He really needs to come clean, admit he doped and hope that LA forgives him, I'm a bit hurt myself, I mean unless he really was taking that female fertility drug for impotence, in which case... man I'm sorry, that's gotta suck.

Today I've done about as little in the 6 hours I've been here as humanly possible, I mean there's literally nothing for me to do right now, and it's a little sad, and they wonder why I wanted to quit? I mean if they can't find better things to push me and my ability to work efficiently, they don't deserve me!

So, on the personal quest kick, I feel pretty good, I think just the act of waking up and saying "WooHoo another day for me to dominate" has really made a positive impact on my mood and what not. I'm getting back into saying things that are slightly offensive to some with no remorse, because what I'm saying is what I believe in.

Part of this will soon come to fruition in a series of lists on what I want in a woman, what I want people to know about me, what I'd like to do in my future etc. I think it will be a good exercise in putting a nice stamp on what I'd like to become over the course of the next couple weeks/months/years.

Anyway, I just wanted to touch base, let you all know what's on my agenda.

Rock out with your cock out, stay classy San Diego.

PMack

Small Note

Well, I just got off the phone with my good friend Sean, to talk to him since it'd been too long, and to just let him know what's been on my mind, and get a sounding board for my quest for a new outlook on life. It went well, as it always does when I talk to one of my closest friends, and I felt more justified and better about my decision and my new path.

So the small interesting part of this was about 5 minutes after I got off the phone I guy came up here (I'm at work) and just in a small business interaction, I immediately felt more confident, stronger and more friendly. It's a small thing, but a good one, I felt in charge for the first time in a while, and I like it!

Till next time,

PMack

Today's new game

So today has been an interesting, yet entirely boring day at work.

1st, current events. I'm a huge Dodgers fan, and the man in the middle, our big bopper Manny freakin' Ramirez got suspended 50 games. I love Manny, always have, since he was in Cleveland, even when he was with the BoSox. It's hard to hate a player who plays and looks like he's actually enjoying himself, mashing all the way. Now, with 50 games on the shelf for PED's (although not steroids, so he's safe from the A-Roid comparison) I have to say, what an utter dipshit. You don't put ANYTHING into your body without knowing fully what its going to do to you... Freaking jackass.

Now, to my personal stuff. I'm still on this self change kick. I have about 3 weeks up here, and I'm going to use this time to my benefit. I really want to change my mental so when I get back to my home town, I can take that shit over. I have a crew, I have a sweet car, I have a nice place to live (yea it's my parents, so what, more freedom there than in my own apartment, and as a bonus, no rent!). I know better how to manage my finances so I don't go broke and get this, I may be able to go out every weekend one night and make a social life for myself. I want to have fun.

I know I know, far cry from my usual bar hating self. The way I look at it, what has not going out gotten me so far? My favorite definition of insanity (chronicled on this site before) is "Insanity is performing the same things repeatedly, while expecting different results" Well, by golly, if that's the definition, then lock my crazy ass up! So, while the change out here has been overall a positive (all while feeling oh so negative) I want the next stage of my life to be the best ever. The stage where I get back to school, meet new people, have fun and become the awesome me that I know exists.

I have been reading a lot, as is my general thing to do, mainly about sports and games as usual, but also about being positive and meeting women and getting ahead in life, you know the things I've been bitching for years because they haven't happened for me. Well I do now realize that it's not going to just happen, I gotta get my ass in gear and get it to happen.

One of the better sites I've found in my searches is called the positivity blog. It's written by some odd looking Swede, but it's got all sorts of fun little posts, factoids and essays about living a more positive life, changing your outlook and getting things accomplished. I want to be a do'er. I've been a reacter for a very long time, I consider my ability to adapt to be very very strong, since I'm an intelligent guy. Now it's time to put this intelligence, ability to speak and general charm out there in a more proactive way. Unfortunately it does mean some changes, which fortunately won't be so hard to make. I want to get away from negative people and negative things, I want to shape my own life in a good way, as opposed to letting other people and their perceptions and doubts get in my way. The biggest thing NH has done for me is help me realize that I was being negative, and surrounding myself with negative people. Buzz Killington's if you will. Yes, I love that term.

My first goal is this. Every morning, instead of waking up saying FUCCCKKKK I don't wanna work. I'm going to think of why today will be good, and what I can do to make things good. Whether it be going to the local park to watch some baseball, or just hanging out with some good buds having a couple beers or going out and hitting on the hottest women in Albany, because well, I'm awesome and I should be hitting on the best of the best. I won't get anything accomplished if I start every day on a down note, so why not flip it, and see if I can start every day on a positive!

That won't be easy, I'm not really a morning person, I generally hit my stride around 3pm, and wanna just rule the world until I pass out around midnight. I'm hoping this positive thoughts thing will make my mornings a little better, well at least until I can move to San Diego where it's 75 and sunny everyday, and I'm only an hour away from mecca... I mean Dodgers Stadium.

I know this may come as a bit of a shock to people who've read my rants before, but it's also part of this new outlook. I have faults, everyone does, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm pretty excellent, and I'm not letting the bullshit bring me down. Things can either be good, or not worth my time, why be sad over things I can't control? I wanna be done with the sadness and self pity, again, it wasn't getting me anywhere, and I think this new approach will have some strong overall consequences.

Anywho, I'm rambling a bit, so I'm going end this. I will make an effort to keep this more regularly update with progress and thoughts and insight into my transformation. If you see anymore whinging or crying on here, just call me and remind me that I can do better for myself, or point me in the general direction of here, I'm sure it will do wonders.

Later,

PMack

Excuse the mess.

So, I broke it off with a girl who shall remain un-named today. I'd been involved but not official for a while now, and we had a major sticking point in I wasn't the only guy in her life. It bothered me to no end, and consumed many of my waking thoughts. For the first time in my life, I stood up for what I wanted with a girl that I liked. Instead of being walked over and keeping my mouth shut to avoid being lonely, I took charge and put out an ultimatum, it's either he's gone, or I am...

Well I am the one who's gone. I'm kind of upset, and kind of relieved. It's bringing a lot of things up, like why would I let someone do that to me, and what was I doing to make her so damned important.

I suppose the big thing out of here was I said "You know what, being alone isn't all that awful" for the first time in my life. I'm tired of meeting women and falling for them before they've proved to be worth my affection, I know it's shocking, for once I think my affection is worth something. My time IS worth something, I wouldn't have so many awesome friends if it wasn't.

It's now time to get over the fear of being alone and rejected. I plan on going on, and talking to any pretty girl I see. I read somewhere that you can only have two outcomes when you chat up a pretty women. You can be having fun, or be bored. It's a saying that inheirantly gives your time and your perspective value over the random woman you meet. It's not your job to impress them and make them see how awesome you are, it's their job to prove they're worth your awesomeness.

Oh, and I'm moving back to NY in about a month to be with my awesome family and all my awesome friends.

Awesome...

Haha, till next time.

PMack

Miserable...

So here I am.

I can't recall ever being this depressed...

It feels like my life is just falling down all around me. I get the impression that I'm not a good guy, and that I'm not living up to any of the standards I've set for myself, accomplishing any goals.

I'm lonely, there's no end to that in site. I can't find any balance in my interactions with women, I'm either "just friends" or way too sexual, which blows it out of the water. I'm sure the wretched debacle that was my first has a lot to do with it. I was fine before that bitch, and since then... I need to just stay way the fuck away from women for a while, even though it's killing me to feel like this. I can't concentrate, I get all worked up over the littlest things. I'm obviously not doing it right, so I need to stop doing anything.

Not like shutting myself off would be a huge change from my life recently. It's been exciting, let me tell you. All I do is work and work and work, and play Warcraft. I have no direction, and I'm sick of setting goals I never accomplish. I wanna go back home worse now than ever. I've spent the last two days just fighting back crying pretty much the whole day. I need help, but I don't know where to turn. I guess I should be glad that my mind isn't working right, because I've definitely thought about ending it lately, just haven't found an easy surefire way of making it happen.

I'm sure that comment will spark off people being like oh you have so much to live for and so much ahead of you. Well fucking save it. If there was so much to look forward to, how come I don't see it? All the things I've ever wanted out of life seem further and further away with each passing day. I've been given enough advice about my life to last me 3 lifetimes. It's not working. It hasn't helped, so fucking just save it.

I think my car is dying too, there's more debt for me, since I'm not even done paying off the dying piece of shit. I work, and work, and work yet I see no end to the sadness. I sit at a desk all day, 3 nights a week I try to keep a bunch of people in line. It's not fun. I'm not having any fun. My life is getting smaller, and less interesting, which in turn is making me less interesting.

Good thing I'm not getting smaller... Oh wait...

Yep, I'm out of shape too. I eat less, I've started taking vitamins, I want to work out, but don't have a place to, and since I don't have enough money... well you get the picture.

Did I mention I have no friends up here. I mean, I have some people I occasionally hang out with, and my roommate who I thought was a friend, but I get the feeling his anti-socialness and laziness is rubbing off on me in a bad way, and not helping me feel any better about living in this shitty cold backwater fucking town.

I don't even know what the point was to writing this. It's probably going to scare the few people who read it. There are some who I know are my true friends. There are some people who will read this and just ignore it. There are some that will read it and try to help, even though they're never there for me otherwise. To that set, go fuck yourself, I don't need your pity or time.

I just want to be happy, why is it so fucking hard?

Happy Frakking New Year!

Happy New Year to all of those who read my rantings.

It was a lot of fun on New Year's Eve... until I decided to go from drunk to shit faced in all of 10 minutes... and spent the rest of the night praying to the porcelain gods.

I spent the weekend back home in the 518, and got to do a lot of thinking about my situations.

I realized that where I am is 100% a result of how little I've done to make my own luck. I'm single because I am not being the man I know deep down I am. I made some resolutions, I hope that I can finally make 2009 (remember my 9 thing) will be the year that my ass gets in gear towards where I want to be in life.

I'll keep the more personal ones to myself, but there are a couple highlights that I've been making small progress towards.

1) Quit Smoking - I've gone down to Ultra Lights, and am down to about 1/2 pack a day again... I hope to be quit by February.

2) Get in Shape - I'm trying, it's hard. I did some pushups and situps the other night, and it hurt. Forgot to last night, but now I need to find a place to actually work out and spend some time not only alone (I need to be comfortable by myself to be truly comfortable around others) but get my body into a good place, I'm smaller due to the changes in my diet (I'm also trying to increase my water intake as opposed to soda) but I'm not there yet, here's hoping I can show the dedication I've never shown before.

3) Get out there- This one may be the most important. I've gone over the last year from being a very social person, to being about as anti-social as I've ever been. I need to get over all my fears and maybe go out to a bar by myself to have fun with random people. Hell, maybe this way I'll finally get on a couple dates, who knows.

4) Stop being needy- Here's my relationship killer. I'm a needy guy, I have low self esteem when it comes to interpersonal relationships, and it comes out with me being desperate and needy. I need to clip that shit, I'm a great guy, I need to stop being so dependant on sex and woman's approval for my esteem. As the great Katt Williams says, it's your SELF esteem, how can I fuck up your esteem for yourself. On point baby.

Outside of that, I hope everyone has a great year, and this is one of the best years on recent record.

Have a good one my faithful clan, post again soon.