Barely awake

So I'm barely here today, it's about 10am on Monday of the longest 3 days ever (36 hours of work in 3 days is going to make me want to set off a bomb in the middle of Price Chopper, and watch it fall).

I got NO sleep last night, woke up late, have no clean pants for work and really am looking forward to my 4 days off, even if I need more like a month to recuperate from the constant grind. Working 2 jobs kind of sucks when you still feel broke 9 out of 10 times.

This weekend was a good time, hung out with a lot of people, didn't see a ton of the inside of the apartment, and even got my Mage to 65 (3 levels til Northrend!).

The issue going forward is still making myself a happier person, showing a lack of fear that kind of controls things for me. I was watching "The Pickup Artist", a reality-ish show from VH1 about a group of not-so-successful guys and their training by the worlds leading "pickup artist". They had their first elimination of this small timid asian man who volunteered to let himself be taken off of the show. WTF? It's like playing in the world series and not giving it your all, who lets fear of clubs and women lead their lives in such disturbing directions? Oh, right... I do.

Fear is supposed to be a great motivator for mankind, but in so many ways, the fear of social response and reprecussion is much more of an inhibitor than a motivational tool. I can look back at my own change over the past 10 years (16-26) and see how I went from a carefree, give a fuck attitude to where I am today, constantly worried about stepping on toes and making people dislike me. There has to a fine line between the two where I should end up. I've grown up into a conflict averse, overly accomodating push over. The question becomes, how do I regain the edge I used to have without going overboard and becoming a total douche.

This idea of letting go of the fear that has run my life for the greater part of the last 5 years might be the key for that long searched for self-esteem I've been looking for. For example, why do I dislike going out so much? Well I don't like being rejected, mocked or outcasted. Why the fuck would I care what 90% of the people in this world think of me? Outside of some small internal issues, I think I'm a really great person to be around, sure I could use some broadening of my social and hobby-related horizons, but overall, I'm honest, trustworthy, caring, loyal and intelligent.

Bottom line, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, get my shit together and out of the cycle of self loathing and laziness I've been perpetuating and reach out and become the person I've wanted to be for the past 5 years. I have way too much potential to let myself convince myself that I'm not really worth the effort. Of course I am, I'm only 26, and even though the last 8 years have kind of been a bust, who's to say the next 8 can't be the best years of my life, and I can't accomplish that picture of life I have in my head.

Good news, all this writing has woke me up a little bit. Time to face the rest of this obscenely long day.